6 Things I Learned From A Sex Therapist

*Disclaimer * This blog post is not for the faint of heart.

Throughout my adult life, I’ve always been a sensual, sex loving, giving and receiving type of person. If I was feeling stressed, loved or needing love or just whatever there was nothing like a steamy bedroom session to cure it. An affair filled with role playing, toys, oils, music, etc. You know one of those types of encounters where your body quivers when you climax and then you’re out like a light!

According to Healthline.com, having sex has many benefits. Those benefits include, increased libido, lowering blood pressure, better sleep and a longer life expectancy. That was enough for me. I already know that sex is great so I don’t need an expert to tell me that — right?

I thought I didn’t need any help in the sex category until tragedy struck. I had a partial hysterectomy due to a uterine rupture. My uterus and one ovary was removed.

Via Mom Junction

Removal of the uterus and the ovaries can result in a decrease in hormone production which, in turn, can lead to low libido. And that’s exactly what happened to me — womp, womp, wommmmmp!

screenshot_20200525-160139_google6555424402432416590.jpg
Via National Center for Biotechnology

My decreased libido had my mind racing. I’m not getting any younger and I was not going to continue running around pretending to be pseudo sexy with a broken pussy!

Remember when Issa rapped about her friend having a ‘broken pussy’ during the first season of the show “Insecure”?

Yeah, that was me. Deep down, there was a chained, sexual beast screaming I WANNA F**K. Just clawing to get out — so I knew that I must save her!

After some serious soul-searching I realized that it’s a mind over matter thing. Brick by brick of heartache and broken trust, I had built up an emotional wall. I was too in my head about past hurtful relationships and experiences. I felt like the bag lady that Erykah Badu warned us about. I was still carrying the baggage or hurt, if you will. It was time to unpack that baggage!

I love a good therapy session. I thought of Dr. Ruth Westheimer — a popular sex therapist when I was growing up. She preached about sex, including being sexually free.

How cool would it be to find a sex therapist in my area to talk about recent sexual trauma and my overall sexual health? It couldn’t be any ol’ therapist though. I preferred a female sex therapist. She had to be a brown woman whose experiences in life may closely mirror mine. I did a quick search and found a therapist whose office is only 10 minutes away from my home! I setup an appointment right away.

When I arrived for my therapy session, a beautiful, mahogany complected woman with long locs greeted me as my therapist. Her energy was mysterious, yet welcoming and lively. As I crossed the threshold of her office, I was immediately taken to another realm. The lights were perfectly dimmed to create an open and free mood. A sensuous smelling candle burned on a table that was next to a big, white, comfy sofa. I sat in the sofa and my therapist in an armchair facing me. Here’s what we discussed:

There Is No Such Thing As a ‘Ho’

The word ‘ho’ is a slang term for the word ‘whore’ meaning prostitute. More often it is used to refer to a promiscuous person. I love sex though! Unfortunately, there’s always been a cultural stigma around people who love sex — especially Black women. My therapist explained that she feels that there’s no such thing as a ‘ho’. Liberation can be found in our ability to go after what we really want; however, she strongly cautioned against confusing sex with love. What she meant is that we need to be sure that our need for sex is not based on a need for emotional commitment. Which brings me to the next point she made.

Be free — Let It All Hang Out

Speaking of sexual liberation, there has been a new revolution in recent years. People have become increasingly more free to express their sexual needs and desires. An article about sexual freedom on the Woodhull Freedom Foundation website defines sexual freedom as the emancipation of sexual expression from arbitrary shackles prescribed by tradition – and sometimes even by law. Those ‘arbitrary shackles’ or repressors, if you will, made me believe that women must give up on the idea of great sex after a hysterectomy. I was so wrong though — in fact sex might be even better! When I freed my mind from all of the souped up, antiquated ideals about sex I allowed myself to be free sexually.

Do To Yourself What You Would Have Someone Do To You

This means exactly what you think! How can I tell someone else what I want if I don’t really know myself? There’s nothing like a good DIY project! There are so many ways to self-pleasure.

  • Fantasize about what you want
  • Touch your erogenous zones
  • Watch porn
  • Take a relaxing bath to get you in the mood
  • Try masturbation with or without sex toys

Literally — the list goes on and on. It doesn’t matter what you decide to do. NO ONE has to know what you are doing to keep yourself sexually healthy.

Sex Meditation and Affirmations

Yes this is a thing! It’s basically applying the concept of mindfulness, focus and using positive statements to strengthen your sex life. This shit works — I am a witness! Find out more details about sex meditation here and sex affirmations here.

Wear Something Sexy Once Per Week

This one gets me every time! I love lying around, at home, unkempt in comfy sweats. That’s sexy — right? The act of wearing something sexy is so subjective. When I decide that it is “Sexy Time” I break out the wine and get ready to take myself on a date. I play my favorite love music, do my hair and makeup and do a photoshoot. The object of Sexy Time is to remind myself that I am beautiful and I am sexy — self love. That way when someone else tells me the same thing they’re just reaffirming what I already know. You may have the same ritual for another reason or you may refer to this as just plain ol’ self-care. No matter what you call it what you wear on the outside has a strong effect on how you feel on the inside.

Write Down Your Three Favorite Body Parts

Loving my body has a played a major role in my sex life. If I’m feeling sexy, sex is great versus bad sex if I don’t feel so sexy. My therapist suggested that I write down my favorite body parts and why I love them. This journal activity helps me admire and gain a greater appreciation for my body. My three favorite body parts are my legs, my wrists and my vagina. Yes, I said my vajayjay! I won’t go into details; but, it may be my favorite! *insert smirking face emoji here*

Overall, visiting a sex therapist was informative. The visit helped me find clarity about my sex life and health. A hysterectomy does change the biology of a woman’s body; however, it does not have to equate to a boring or absent sex life. It was like one of the many awakenings that one has in their adult life. I’m forever a work in progress; but, now I realize that I don’t have to resolve to traditional, repressed views about sex. Life is good!

Are you a granny or a vixen in bed? Do you have some tips for me? Tell me all about it in the comments. Thanks for reading. See y’all soon!

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